Reflection aftermath (Entry 14)

Date: September 7th, 1950

Dearest Diary
The last time I wrote to you I questioned myself and my emotional state. I felt that my feelings, my natural emotions, were being censored and I was loosing myself in the waves that were drowning out who I was and how I truly felt.

I left you, my diary, and watched the sunrise and continued thinking. I’ve come to realize something. There will be days when I can’t fight the anger, can’t fight the pain - days when everything is just too much to handle. But I have to just embrace the anger, embrace the pain… but I can’t, I wont dwell on it.

Once I let the feelings run their course, I simply move on and keep going forward. It’s all I can do, really. I also realized that my life was never my own. I was always trying to be the perfect daughter for my mother and father. I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. Someone I could never be.


Being a vampire, an immortal, and having Carlisle & Esme as my parents has really opened my eyes for the first time. The poor aren’t poor because they’re lazy, while being extremely wealthy won’t make you happy. Life is not about money and power. It’s about having that special someone to share it with. It is only in love that you find the greatest wealth of all.


Now that I am an immortal I have seen things that cannot be unseen, things that I can’t take back. I have done things I did not think myself capable of. I wish I never would have met Royce and that I got to live a long happy human life. I also wish that my real parents, my human parents, were like Carlisle & Esme. I wish they loved me and treated me as a daughter and not some sort of lure to reel in wealthy men.

Carlisle & Esme… they love me for me, not because I can make them financially happy. The only thing that matters to them is my happiness. I don’t really know how to word this. No words can justify this feeling that is swelling around inside my body…my conscience…my entire being. I feel so strange.

When the family returned home I spoke to Jasper. I asked him not to influence my emotions - if he could help it. He understood it was awkward between us. I spoke to him a little more and listened to some of his war stories from his time in the vampire army. Alice was there, too, energetic as usual. I couldn’t help but notice how unique Alice & Jasper are.

The two are unique not because of their gifts, but because of who they are and how they overcame different challenges in their life. Jasper was a solder in a vampire army and he served for years in leading turf wars & killing newborns. He fed off humans and because of his gift he regained compassion…well that’s how I see it based on what he told me. I don’t think I can say that is the story exactly, I’m not Jasper, and I wasn’t part of his past.

Alice on the other hand is who I find truly amazing. She has no memory of becoming a vampire and no memory of her human life at all - yet she did not become a newborn savage. She did not kill humans to feed her own burning thirst. She had no outside influences to suggest she become a vegetarian. She made that choice on her own. Her strength is almost intimidating.


I mean, we all had Carlisle to guide us in as far as morals go. Of course, we have each strayed from the ‘good side’ occasionally. The countless lives Edward has taken, and Emmett too. And we know I have had my seven kills, but what can I say? We are only human… vampires, doing the best we can to fight our nature.

I am confused about one thing, though. Everyone seems to feel sorry for Alice because she has no memory of her human life at all. I don’t understand why people would pity her. I would consider it a gift to be free of your past, to have no memory of what you were or what you wanted. I wish I could have that gift. The gift of no memory of who I was & what I wanted because for the rest of eternity I will know who I used to be, what I used to want & what I will never have. It’s a painful awareness.


I haven’t exactly had the chance to talk to Esme yet. It’s fairly hard to get time lone with her. She is so busy now with Alice & Jasper. I, of course, am not offended. Right now Alice & Jasper are novelties because they are new additions to the family. It seems I am the only one who is still myself around them. I am not at all obsessed about the two new family members. I keep my distance, not wishing to intrude.

I am going to put my talk with Esme on hold and just focus on Emmett. My Emmett…my beautiful god-like boyfriend. He is so amazing. The way he looks at all of this change…it’s inspiring. I asked him recently how he could be so nice to me when it’s my fault he is doomed an eternal thirst. He surprised me by telling me he loves being a vampire. He loves the speed, and the power that immortality has given him. But most of all, he loves that he can spend forever by my side.

I am so thankful that I can no longer blush, but at the same time, a little sad. I miss the way my cheeks felt warm from blushing, and I miss the way my heart would pound when I was excited. Sometimes I feel as though my heart is going to start beating again. Like Emmett is bringing me back to life in a way.


I bet you’re wondering what Emmett is doing right this second. Well, to tell you the truth, I’m wondering the same thing. Emmett, Edward & Alice went out shopping together. Carlisle is at work, naturally. I am not too sure about Esme. She is so graceful in her movements that even my heightened hearing can hardly pick up where she is.

I am currently on the roof of the house and Jasper… I’m pretty sure that’s him I hear pacing around on the first floor of the house. He is anxious without Alice around. I asked him why he didn’t just join her and the others on their shopping trip and he confessed that he did not feel ready to be that close to so many humans. So close to all that warm, intoxicating blood.


I am going to go now. I have told you everything I think and feel for the moment. I should go keep Jasper busy to help get his mind off Alice.

~Rosalie Hale