Reflection (Entry 13)

Date: September 6th, 1950

Dearest Diary
It’s a new day; I am currently all alone while the rest of my Family have gone hunting. I chose to remain behind and gather some time to reflect on my life and where it has led me. I promised to tell you about the cover story for my new sister Alice, and my brother Jasper.

Carlisle decided it would be a good idea that we stick to the story that Alice is their new adopted daughter, and Jasper is my twin brother. Jasper will take my last name … Hale.

So here I am now - sitting on the roof with you, my diary, looking at the beautiful trees and watching the sun come up in the distance. I want to know so much, like what I am feeling now. Why is it is that I don’t understand this sensation that is wracking my heart…..my conscience, with these sensations and emotions.

This is why I did not join my family on their hunting trip, why I chose to stay behind. I need time alone, time to question myself and be free of the shallow pretenses I show around my family. I am waiting here now for a moment of clarity, waiting to have a meaning, but I realize that waiting for this moment of clarity is waiting for a divine intervention….there is no such thing. So I should process the thoughts that are spinning around in my head in small steps, baby steps.

I’ll start at the beginning. Carlisle has decided to use my name to integrate Jasper into the family and I…think I felt somewhat upset because so much has happened to me - I have become a new person….a new species, and the only thing left that defined me was my name. Hale it’s the only thing that was left of the original me.

I knew that it made me less than happy when Carlisle suggested it, so why did I not express how I felt? Why was I just so calm and why did I just go along with the idea of giving away the last thing that was truly mine.

I am beginning to wonder if the reason for my calmness is that of Jasper’s influence - but does that mean that Edward’s slight change in mood is also because of Jasper’s gift? If it is, how will I know what emotions are really mine, and what emotions are simply influenced by Jasper. This is all so weird to me, like a bad dream.

Not only is Jasper taking away my namesake, but he is also taking away my ability to generally feel. This is really irritating me, I don’t like the way I am feeling now. If this is all Jasper’s doing and he is using his gift to influence my feelings, to feel calmness, then all he is doing is taking my true feelings and bottling them up and storing them away. Then when he is gone, the bottle breaks and here I am feeling overwhelmed - and all this in one day.How will I cope with an eternity of this?

I don’t know
I Just don’t know.

I still don’t know much about how I feel, but seeing the beautiful sun rise and spreading it’s warmth across the land… it’s awe inspiring. I wish you could see the beauty of the way it looks and smell the scent of the wet morning dew, and see the luscious green grass and the beautiful forest through my eyes. It’s all so elegant. I am going to go now. I want to use this time to enjoy the peace and quiet. To enjoy seeing the beautiful sun rise in the sky and imagine, pretend, I can still feel it’s warmth.

~Rosalie Hale