Renewed Strength

Topic: All that I was it exist somewhere inside me, but it's only a fraction of who i used to be, I am so much more than that now.
Date: July 8th, 2009

I couldn't take anymore, it was just all too much for me to handle, I was confused and afraid. I did not understand how I could be treated so poorly by the man that I am supposed to love, I am meant to become his Queen, but he treated me like a pet
instead of a spouse. Right after my last entry I ran out of my room and towards the exit, Felix was blocking my path, but I pushed him aside like he was nothing and ran past him. I made it outside and saw the surroundings, it was beautiful and mystifying.

I looked up at the night stars and saw a very tall tower...I decided to run away, I had no idea where I would go... I heard footsteps and I closed my eyes terrified it was Jane. I felt someone touch my shoulder and I flinched.

"Sarah...what are you doing out here, you're not meant to be outside alone, it's dangerous." he told me concerned. Felix's voice was so deep, different, I felt strange...it wasn't anything romantic....no I felt safe with Felix. I turned to look at Felix and watched him, seeing the concern, it was really touching, "Sarah...what's wrong?" He asked me his voice was full of concern for me...it was touching, but I wondered why he cared.

I told Felix he wouldn't understand and he told me to climb onto his back, that there was something he wanted to show me, I did as I was told, not because I was afraid of being harmed...I knew I was safe with Felix, I did it because I trusted him, as soon as I climbed onto his back Felix went to the tower and started to climb it with ease. It was very impressive to see Felix climb the tower, he did it so well, it was no struggle for him. He did not speak at all, there was a silence between us the entire time. We finally made it to the top of the tower together, the view was amazing it was beautiful. The way the city lights were on it made it look like the stars in the sky, only the colors were different.

"When I am not on duty, or training..I come here to think." Felix said in a soft voice. I did not know what to say, so I said nothing "I brought you here Sarah...because you need to think, keeping secrets to yourself...it won't help you here....Trust me, tell me what's wrong and I swear to help you as best I can." He told me to trust him and I did, so I thought about it and I told him everything that happened with the Queens and my feelings of being nothing more than an object. Felix said nothing for a moment and I continued. Felix I am afraid....I don't want to become like Athenodora or Sulpicia....I tried to be like you told me to be, strong, but all that I got was pain."

Felix asked me a strange question, he asked me when I tried to be tough, did I believe in myself. After some thought I told him no, Felix grabbed my hand and placed it over my heart "Sarah...pretending to be strong is not strength... it's delusions of grandure...when you want to be strong you must believe in yourself...you're strength comes from your heart it may not beat anymore, but it's there...look deep inside yourself, find that fire and bring it out..I believe in you Sarah, Believe with me...I promise when you do, nothing will stop you." I listened to Felix in awe he was incredible, he was right...I felt so inspired by his speech and leaned in close to hug him. "thank you Felix" I whispered I felt different, the way I felt was just impossible to describe...all I knew was I was strong.

I stood up and walked to the edge of the tower, Felix asked me where I was going and I turned to face him "I have a bone to settle with a King. See you round." I said with a grin, heck, even my voice sounded different, this feeling was coursing through me and there was no stopping it. I took a single step forward and I was falling, my hair flew up and I felt the wind against me it was a rush. I landed on the ground with elegance and grace and walked back into the castle with confidence, no one would stop me and this feeling that was deep inside me.

Down the hallways I walked...no not walked, strutted, yes I strutted down the hallways with confidence, Felix was so right. When you believed in yourself you become strong at least that's the way I feel now. I stopped and saw Jane step out in front of me "I thought I smelt a Skunk" I said to Jane. The sadistic bitch had her hands behind her back and tilted her head, I was suddenly on the ground in agony. "Sarah Sarah Sarah, you seem to like spending time on the ground...I am surprised a coward like you would dare speak to me in that tone." The pain was intense, every time I felt Jane's "gift" my body burned, but the burning I felt from jane was nothing. I picked myself up from the floor and was on my knees.

I smiled and picked myself up, my body was burning all over, but my smile did not go away. I had confidence...I had this strength deep inside me ready to be brought out. I could see Jane look surprise for a moment, she tilted her head to the other side "hmm interesting you got up, no I don't believe I told you to get up, down on the ground Sarah" she said emotionlessly. I was on the ground the burning only intensified and just when I thought I knew what pain was, I felt something a thousand times worse than before, but it did not stop me. I got up again slowly and looked Jane in the eye and smiled through the pain "No," I said defiantly. Jane's gift blazed again so intense. I was on the ground.

"Defiant fool. So let me guess you got you're memories back...is this why you're defying me." she said as she walked towards me. Jane's feet were right in front of me "Kiss my feet Sarah and the pain will go away...I promise you." she spoke with a dark grin on her face. I forced myself up and looked at her "I owe you Pain." I spoke in agony. I threw a punch at jane and felt my fist hit Jane in the face. The Pain immediately went away and I felt relieved, Jane was still on the ground and I moved to Jane and placed one foot on her neck and bent down to put my hands over her eyes "see it's not so nice is it Jane, being on the floor humilated...unlike you Jane I do not take pleasure in seeing you suffer like this."

I removed my foot from Jane's neck and with my other hand I picked her up by the neck and placed pressure on her neck, I could hear her squirm and I threw her down the hall. I continued to walk, but stopped and kept looking forward, I knew she could hear me and I remembered Felix told me I called Jane a Dwarf.."I don't have my memory back...the Sarah you knew is still gone she probably won't ever return, maybe a fraction of the Sarah you knew exists somewhere inside me, I don't know or care. I am who I am Jane, nothing more and definetly nothing less...Oh and one more thing, I'd rather kiss a Skunk's ass than kiss you're feet you stupid Dwarf" I heard a hiss escape from Jane's lips

"Do you want to go to round two?" "You can hurt me and make me hit the ground all you want, but I won't give up...you're pretty old, you might know this saying...you can't keep a good bitch down..." I said with a wide grin on my face and continued to walk on towards Marcus' room. I have to admit, I am amazed with myself, I didn't know I was so strong, to stand up to Jane like that, I know I couldn't let that small victory get to my head, I had bigger fish to fry.

I was a woman on a mission and I was determined to strike a blow to claim my independence and self respect. I knocked on the door of Marcus' room and he opened the door a split second later "Sarah my pet, what can I do for you." he asked surprised. I remembered smiling and walking into his room, "Marcus we need to speak." I told him in a soft voice, he corrected me telling me to call him Master and I shook my head "Sorry lover, but I believe you're the one mistaken...Marcus, I need to ask you a question...Do you love me." Marcus looked confused "of course I do." I smiled and leaned in and placed my hand on his cheek

"you want to marry me right..to make me you're wife and Queen." I asked him, he nodded his head "yes of course my pet...why ask this." hearing him call me pet made me a little mad, but I had to cut Marcus a break he was only a man and well his brain is a lot less complex then a woman's.

I grabbed Marcus' hand and led him to the bed and sat him down followed by me sitting beside him "first off Marcus, I am not your pet and you sure as hell are not my Master." I announced to him, my voice was not even shaking a little. Marcus looked at me surprised and he placed his hand on my hand. "I am going to be your Queen and you're my spouse...Marcus, calling me pet is degrading...and me calling you Master...it makes me feel inferior to you." Marcus looked stunned, he was shocked that I stood up for myself

"Sarah, I am sorry I made you feel that, it was not my intention...I cherish you Sarah." he said, so alarmed. "Then cherish me Marcus, but don't call me your pet." I told him, making myself understood. Marcus nodded, "what would you have me call you then." he asked me. I held his hand and closed my eyes and this strange voice entered my head, this voice, it was soft smooth and seductive it was the most beautiful voice I had ever heard and I opened my eyes "Call me babygirl" Marcus expression was shocked and I smiled, that voice was long gone, but the way he said babygirl it was so soothing. "O...ok, I will call you babygirl" he said surprised. I moved to Marcus and sat on his lap looking at him.

I was glad he was a vampire if he was human he probably would have had a heart attack or something. "Will you treat me like an equal." he nodded his head "yes Sarah" he said in shock, I leaned in to kiss Marcus on the lips and he was still for a moment before he started kissing me back. It felt strange kissing Marcus, I am still not sure if I love him, but I had to try, regain who I was or at least some of who I was since I can't remember our love. I just have to make an effort to try and remember, after kissing Marcus for a few minutes I pulled back and Marcus asked me what's wrong. "I am still far from done with our talk Marcus." Marcus chuckled "really how amusing Sarah, what else would you like to talk to me about." I smiled and looked at him amused

"Marcus...you want me to train with the wives...to teach me to be a Queen, I will do that...but I have conditions for those lessons, refuse even one of my next requests and I will refuse to attend those lessons, please....please forgive me Marcus I never wish to threaten you, but I can't go through that agony again." Marcus was confused and asked me what happend and I told him everything, the way they treated me, I did not leave out a single detail, I could see the anger on Marcus' face and he hissed. the hate and anger was frightening, I jumped up and backed into a corner crouching...all of my courage...my will power vanished it was just so horrofying.

"Damn Caius, I have had just about enough of him trying to claim control, and now he dares to do this sort of thing, to treat my mate in such poor taste....he will suffer Sarah, I promise you, retribution will be yours." he stood up and suddenly noticed me cowering in the corner. He rushed to me in a flash and picked me up "I am sorry babygirl, I will make things right, I promise...now tell me what are you're demands, I will give you anything you want."

It was strange hearing Marcus call me babygirl, when I heard that beautiful voice say babygirl in my head it made me feel warm and safe and loved...hearing Marcus call me babygirl it made me feel fear, but maybe it's because he was all hissing and mad. Marcus lifted me up and placed me on his bed, "First of all...I will attend the lessons, because I know it's important for you...I also don't want to embarass you, but I will not be treated that way again" I told him, he was about to speak when I put my finger to his lips."Second of all..... I will wear what I want when I want, the only time I will dress fancy like those wives...is when there is a formal engagement...I also want Chelsea to be removed as my guard effective immediately and I want her replaced with Alec..Alec and Felix are the only ones of the guards I trust...they will be with me at all times, unless they are needed elsewhere. I refuse to be guarded by Chelsea or Jane." Marcus nodded his head "of course." I continued to speak over him."Thirdly..... Felix has told me before my memory loss, he was teaching me to fight to defend myself...he says I enjoyed it, I want those lessons re-instated, effective immediately..."

"Finally, I refuse to be a caged bird Marcus, I want to spend time with my future husband. I want some personal time with you, and I want us to go on holidays together...just the two of us...if we need guards so be it, but I just want to be with you."Marcus smiled at this, he seemed to be calm again and I leaned in to kiss him on the cheek.

"anything else you would like my..babygirl" he asked me. I looked up for a moment, "I will let you know next time I would like something...but thank you Marcus for agreeing to this, you have made things so much better for me." I told him, Marcus caressed my cheek "all I want Sarah, is for you to be happy, you're a mighty strong woman Sarah, you always suprise me." I thanked Marcus and moved to lay on his bed and he laid beside me, we looked each other in the face and spoke "I can thank Felix for that...he taught me that strength does not come from acting strong, but believing you're strong...when you believe in your self nothing can stop you."

Marcus smiled "interesting, Felix has had quiet an interesting impact on you...I should thank him" I smiled and something came to me "Marcus I have to ask you something, when I lost my memory you gave me a Diary and told me that I loved writing in diaries, if this is true....then where is my other diaries". I could see Marcus smile softly "before you lost you're memories you did have a diary, you gave it to me to read you said, you wanted to share all your thoughts and feelings with me....so you loaned me the Diary, I am ashamed to say I misplaced it somewhere among my books in my libary, give me some time and I will find it for you ok." he said reassuring me.

I smiled and enjoyed spending time with Marcus after talking about his vampire exploits. Marcus spoke "I am sorry Sarah I must speak with my brothers and their wives. Why don't you go and find Felix and Alec." I nodded my head and Marcus leaned in to kiss my forehead "have fun Sarah, actually I have a surprise for you." I felt excited "really do tell." I asked him and he told me, no, then it wouldn't be a suprise if he told me. I pouted and Marcus chuckled "I love you Sarah, your so interesting and enchanting." I giggled and sat up "you will find me when you're done right." I asked him excited and he nodded.

I hugged Marcus goodbye and walked off to look for Alec and Felix I walked the hallways with confidence, I had won the war....I had my cake and I ate it too, I was in control and I would be no one's victim again. I am woman...... hear me roar. I eventually did find Alec in his room he had a black book, I joined him in his room "Hey kid what's wrong...you look sad." Alec told me he had problems with Jane, that she and he had some sibbling stuff to work through so I hugged Alec, his head rested on my chest and I kissed the top of his head "It's alright Alec tell me everything...I am here for you alright" Alec was quiet for a moment and he started to unleash everything he felt all his feelings. "Yeah Jane's not happy unless she is biting the head off kittens or something like that, she is a horrid little troll." I told Alec and I heard him laugh, I was glad I could cheer Alec up. we spoke for a while and Felix came into the room and said

"Alec starting today you and I are Sarah's full time guards, if we are absent julian and dominick will watch Sarah." I looked at Alec and he seemed to cheer up a little more. I patted the ground and Felix joined us, the three of us hung out and had a blast together. Alec told me we did this quite alot before my memory loss and this was normal and I admit it felt good. Marcus eventually came and I ran into his arms and hugged him, thanking him for keeping his promise, he told me it was no problem and it was time for my surprise. So here I am now in my room, Marcus told me to take a few things, that I could not live with out, so I took you and a bag of clothing...I wonder what the surprise is, are we going somewhere?

~Sarah