My son is my strength

Topic: Where do I go from here
Date: June 11th, 2009

Yo Diary

Ever since her depature my heart has been shattered. I haven't been functioning without her, time seems to be moving even slower than normal. I miss her, it's like half of me is missing now that she is gone. I can't do anything without her, hell I can't even say her name, every time I do, I feel undiscribable pain. That bitch! She tore my heart apart, but I still love her and I still want her dead at the same time, it makes no sense to me, the only thing keeping me going is Tobias.

I have been concentrating on him completely for the past week and trying to keep her out of my head. The only good thing she left me with is our son. I have already decided on what I am telling Tobias once he is older. I am going to tell him his mother was a beautiful and intelligent woman, she was brave and fearless and she loved him with all her heart. It may be a lie, but the child deserves to have memories of a good mother rather than learn his mother is a heartless manipulitive bitch.

I haven't even given any thought on how to destroy the Voltori & HER! I have thought of two possibilities though, the first possibility is to create an army of newborn vampires, that was done recently to take on the Cullens or so I heard. I believe the leader of that coven was a nomad vampire by the name of Victoria. My second option is to find the romanians that the Voltori overthrew centuries ago and team up with them. The problem in my way is my own son Tobias. I don't want him to be around the likes of the Romanian vampires and I also don't want him to be around the newborns either.

I guess I should just let go of revenge, but I can't. I want that bitch to have her heart ripped apart and torn asunder like mine was. How could she do this to me...to our son? How can she not love him? Our son, he is the most incredible child on the entire planet! He is beautiful and smart and he will grow to be a good man. I will see to that. I guess the only thing I can do is train Tobias when he gets older. I will teach him how to fight, to survive, no one will harm him because he will hold his own and I will be there to protect my son, but for now I will give him a happy childhood one where he will have good memories full of love I owe it to my son.

Today while Tobias slept I spent the morning cleaning out her room completely and placed it in the garage. I could not bring myself to throwing her things away, I am not ready for that not yet. I locked everything away and cleaned the room completely there was not even a single dust bunny left. I finished by opening the window and closing the door the fresh air would hopefully get rid of any trace of her scent. I also closed the door so the wind would not blow into the house and make it colder for Tobias.

When that was finished I went to see my son, he still slept, he looked so peaceful. I know it hasn't been easy for him, he knows something is up and the poor child keeps asking for her...I keep him busy a lot. I let him watch children's programs, which only seem to bore him. I read to him a lot, he also seems to get bored of children stories too. I think he is in a rush to grow up or maybe he is just not interested in childish things.

Tobias woke up and I smiled just a little. I lifted my son up and held him close to me hugging him, his little arms tightened against me as he hugged back. I chatted to him, asked him about his sleep and told him the plans for today. After he had breakfast Tobias and I had a shower and I got him dressed up nicely and then I got dressed. I had his outing bag ready, it had stuff he might need like a bottle of formula clothing etc. etc. Tobias and I went outside and I stopped, I saw her birthday gift, the purple car. I looked away and walked to our car carrying my son and his bag, I placed Tobias in his seat and did up his seatbelt and we went to my office it was a nice cloudy day no chance of sun.

I showed Tobias the sites and took him to some of the stores. I bought him a lot of clothing, my son is growing so fast he needs a lot of clothing. I also went and bought a stack of books and some movies for him, not all of them children's stuff, some action movies for my boy and while we were in the city I looked around at beds and things for Tobias, he will be too big for a nursery soon. I intend on using her old room to turn it into a bedroom for my son and the nursery will stay a nursery for now.

I told my son to keep his teeth to himself that he cant bite the humans, he nodded his head showing he understood and I told him I was proud of him. The rest of the day went by pretty fast, I had bought a lot of stuff and paid $1,500 for a removalist truck to come and bring all the purchases back to my home. Tobias and I returned home and I realized how empty it was without her. My son was already sleeping in my arms exhausted from shopping all day. I laid Tobias down in his cot and came to write to you, I am going to go now I plan on setting up Tobias' new room now, then I intend on researching tutors to find out who the best is, because nothing is too good for my son and I intend on giving him the best I have to offer.

~Brian Jacobson