Cold Feet (Entry 4)

Date: April 20th 1933

Dearest Diary

I have finally completed the wedding details. My life has still been chaotic. My mother has finished training me on how to manage the household, and moved onto teaching me how to keep my man satisfied…she told me so many things and they made me blush. My mother told me men like women that were wild and passionate and kept things interesting. I believe no daughter ever wants to have this sort of conversation with their mother.

This bothered me greatly, but there is something else I am worried about. Something more important. I am beginning to question Royce’s feelings for me. I love him more than anything, but I can’t help but wonder how much he really loves me. He is always busy; I understand he has many responsibilities at work, but regardless, we do not spend a great deal of time together.

When I bring up the subject of children, he completely changes it. I don’t think he wants children, but I do. I want to see fair-haired children playing on the huge lawn of our estate. I want to be there with those children, playing with them, reading them bedtime stories, and kissing their boo boos better. I want to be a mother so badly. I want the happy life. I want true love and I am starting to doubt that this, Royce, is what I really want.

Something else that bothers me about Royce is when he kisses me, I don’t feel passion…I thought I did, the night when he proposed he kissed me. I realize now it wasn’t Passion, but force. He forced his lips onto mine and as much as I tried to hold my own that night, as I do now, he wouldn’t let me…it’s like he wants ultimate control over me.

I want to speak to Royce about this, but I can’t. He is too busy “socializing” with his wealthy friends. They are sons of other rich men. This only validates my point - is this a true lover, or is he only lusting over me? How can he love me, when he would rather go “socializing” with his friends over spending time with his fiance.

I needed guidance and found none. I went to my mother to discuss my concerns, but she would not hear a word of it. She dismissed my concerns saying it was “Cold feet,” but I realize my mother did not care about my concerns, I think she wants this wedding more than I do. If I become Mrs. Royce King, then my mother becomes upper class by association.

I don’t know what to do, I need guidance…I can’t trust my mothers guidance. Not this time. I need to find someone who has nothing to gain from whether I marry Royce or not. I know just who to go to. I will go see my friend Vera. She will be able to help me and I will get to play with little Henry… he is such a beautiful boy. All smiles and dimples.

I need to make a choice before it’s too late. Do I love Royce, Does Royce love me?, Can we be happy together? I need these answers and I pray that before I make my next entry that I have the answer to these questions. Wish me Luck my dearest diary.

~Rosalie Hale