Family update (Entry 32)

Topic: what we all have been up to
Date: October 16, 2005

Dearest Diary

It's been a month since our family became divided all because of Bella Swan, the wounds from her relationship with my brother have slowly started to heal for us all except Edward. Emmett is back to his old cheerful, rambunctious self, we have been together in our home of solitude alone since helping our family relocate. I Email the family as often as possible keeping in touch with them, I have recently learned from Alice that she had a ground breaking discovery on her past finding out her full name is Mary Alice Brandon she had a little sister named cynthia and cynthia's daughters niece is still alive in Biloxi, Alice told me she went and visited her grave & the grave of her family.

I wish Alice would have told me, I would have gone with her to show her some support. Alice is still pretty down about Bella, she misses the human very much, she is finding it hard to cope without her best friend, but she is coping. Alice and Jasper are living with Carlisle and Esme. Jasper is studying philosophy in Cornell, despite missing Bella, Alice seemed to be fine, Jasper is still blaming himself for the whole Bella incident. I sent him an email telling him in these exact words "Oh please, with her luck we are lucky a satellite dish did not fall down and crush us all." I was hoping it would cheer jasper up, but he did not respond so I guess it did not.
I don't know why I bother, it's not like I'm Esme, I don't have the love and compassion she has, I am just a bitter self centered arrogant spoiled princess. I wish I had Esme's kindness, she is such an inspiring woman. I have had her in my life for so long and I have not even managed to become one ounce like her. The sad truth is I will never be anything other than what I am, I mean look at me now My entire family is divided and suffering from Bella Swan and here I am obsessing about how I am a horrible person. I am as shallow and petty as I was when I was first turned, I deserve to live an eternity of suffering, but I count my blessings to have Emmett in my life.

Esme & Carlisle are at Ithaca, Carlisle is working nights and teaching at Cornell part time while Esme is working on restoring a seventeenth century historical house monument. Edward is no longer living with Esme and Carlisle, he said he wants time to himself, he is suffering so much it's sad. I tried to keep in contact with him, but he never answers me so my attempts are gradually slowing down. Emmett and I are talking about going on a trip to Europe for another honeymoon it sounds really fun. I have begun planning the honeymoon, I was thinking of going to Bratislava, London, Berlin and France.

Emmett of course wants to go anywhere as long as it's with me, most of all he wants some "crazy Europian sex," my emmett is such a pervert, he wants to have fun everywhere and to tell the truth it sounds like fun. We may end up getting it on in the plane lavatory, this will be the best distraction I can ask for. I don't want to think about anyone else at the moment, I just want to get lost in Emmett and let him absorb me whole so we become one, I am always afraid of losing him, the thought of losing him hurts so much its unbarable.

I love Emmett so much, I need him desperately, all the time when he is not around, I feel so lonely without him, when we are apart the loneliness comes in waves, I am so lost without him, it's like I am lost in a a neverending spiral of darkness. I feel cold and alone lost in a never ending spiral of pain and darkness. the sensation of being alone, lost in darkness becomes a thousand times worse with each passing second It hurts to be away from Emmett

I need Emmetts warm embrace to make me feel pain
I need Emmett's love to wash away my pain
I need Emmetts uplifting presence to give me hope

He is my future, I need him and without him I have nothing, he is my dawn, my guiding light. I have my mother Esme of course and my father Carlisle, I even have Jasper and Alice, but I feel Emmett is the only one who understands me, he is truly a magnificent man I will never understand how someone so special, so wonderful like him would love someone as awful as I am, but I am greatful I am lucky to have his love.

Emmett and I have made plans to visit Carlisle & Esme for Christmas since Alice & jasper are still living with Carlisle and Esme it could be a family Christmas. Well hopefully it will be I doubt Edward will join us this Christmas, he tends to keep to himself nowadays, I will get him a present just in case he shows up.

I wonder what I should get Esme & Carlisle, I may buy Esme a house or two, I don't know Emmett and I are going to go to the shops at sundown and browse around for a while, right now Emmett is watching a dvd. I think I may go and hangout with my lover, I will write back as soon as possible.

~Rosalie Hale