Forgiveness Denied

Parents Suck, I would have been different

Date: March 29th, 2009

Dear Diary

So what can I tell you about my day so far....Ok I am at the park, sitting at my usual spot the undercover area sitting on the park table writing this entry on my knee. I am so fucking annoyed. I received a letter from my mother, I wanted to rip it up and burn it, but no, that would be a waste of paper so i'm gonna glue it into this book as a reminder for what fucked up person my mother is

Dear Sarah

Hey Angelpie, I was just wondering how you have been doing. You never seem to return any of my letters and I have been so concerned. Look, I know I have dealt with things badly and believe me honey I am truly sorry, you never had the mother you deserved. I just got so upset because your father left me and I just lost myself.

I know I reacted badly with your pregnancy...I should have supported you in your time of trial. I shouldn't have kicked you out and called you those names. I feel so ashamed of myself, please forgive me, Please.

I have been cleaning my act Sarah. I have been sober for three months now, if you have given me the chance to explain before leaving for Italiy I would have told you I am trying. I am sorry you had to give Jayne up, really I am. Please honey come home to me.

Love

Mom

That fucking Bitch., How dare she mention Jayne's name. She is not worthy of mentioning my daughter's name. I would have fucking slapped the Shit out of her face if I was there. I did not give Jayne up she was taken from me. I wanted to keep her. She was everything to me. My mother wants forgiveness that's too bad. She is not getting it, it will be a cold day in hell before that bitch gets my forgiveness. She & my invisible father messed up my life. My memories with my mother...let's see where do I start oh yeah I know where. This one time I must have been around nine or ten, My school gave us candy to sell as a fundraiser and I lost the box of candy. My mother grabbed a stick and beat my ass until it was black and blue. I could not sit down for a week.

I remember hiding under my bed afraid and hurt. That was the only time she ever smacked me. I was too afraid to disobey her again.

She did not even feel bad or anything. She still jokes around about that incident casually. I remember one time I was getting bullied in school, I tried to tell my mom and she said this to me"Sarah I have my own problems to deal with, Deal with it yourself" that's a lovely thing to say to your child. Oh here is one of my favorite memories. I was a kid, I only had one dream in my life, I wanted to be a singer my loving mother said this to me, "Sarah it's time to grow up, you have a terrible voice you can't sing. Even if you could sing you could never be a singer, know why?. It's because poor people don't become singers, only people with money become singers. So give it up alright." Being a singer...that was my only dream, I never had another one not til I gave birth to Jayne. I wanted to be the best mother to her. I wanted to protect her and loved her.

I wanted her so much. I endured so much pain only to have her taken away from me. Oh Jayne I would never beat you with a stick, if you had problems I would have listened, I would have done something about them. I would never tell you to give up on your dream....If you came to me and told me you were expecting...I would NEVER EVER call you a tramp, Shit, whore and kick you out onto the streets. When you're just fourteen. So what now she thinks three months of being sober is enough to make up for a lifetime of abuse & neglect. She's insane...Forgiveness denied.

I am not even going back to seattle. When this year comes to an end I am going to bail. Ill hitch hike or something I don't care, hell I may just leave in a month or two if these weird ass freaks I'm living with don't leave me alone. I am going to go, I am just to messed up to see straight. I may go try and find some jerk to sell me booz cause I really need a drink.

Sarah