Death is my gift (Entry 21)

Date: March 20th, 1951

“Mother…father I am sorry I could not be what you wanted me to be. Please, forgive me. I shouldn’t have come here. I shouldn’t have risked my brothers safety - or that of my new family. I was weak and I am a fool…I am a terrible daughter and sister, but I do have one gift for my brothers. The gift of death.”

Dearest Diary

How do I begin to tell you what has happened. Where do I even begin? I guess the start is always best…

After finishing our hunting trip, Emmett and I returned for our baggage and left for our honeymoon. We were careful to travel the fields during the day so we weren’t spotted by the humans. Our sparkling skin would have easily given us away if we were seen.

The entire time Emmett refused to tell me where we were going. We arrived at our destination and I was beyond shocked. It was a home…. an actual house. It was my home in Rochester, New York - the place I was born and raised, as a human. I asked Emmett why he brought me there and he said he thought it would be nice to visit, to see my beginning again.

Emmett reminded me of our rules - I couldn’t go and find my brothers or parents. They had to believe I was gone. I could not expose myself to them or they would die, or worse, become like me.It would also put my new family, the Cullen’s in great danger. Our kind is to remain a secret, for eternity.


I showed Emmett around the city. It had changed so much. We ventured together hand in hand. After acting like tourists for a while, we checked into our hotel. The sweet aroma of warm blood flooded my nostrils. I needed air, but I didn’t want to seem weak to Emmett. I didn’t want him to have to worry about me going on a killing spree, either - so I didn’t mention how much the smell of human blood was bothering me.


After we unpacked our luggage, Emmett said he wanted to stay in for the evening, until midnight, to keep a low profile. I, however, had other plans. I wrapped a scarf over my hair and got dressed, covering myself the best I could. Emmett asked me where I was going, his eyes widened with concern. “Clothes shopping of course,” I said charmingly. “Where else would I go?” I was greatful for my ability to charm Emmett by batting my eye lashes and flashing my most brilliant, teasing smile. He believed that I was really going shopping…


I did something stupid and reckless. Something that could have exposed not just me, but my entire family. I visited my old home. I stood outside the home where I used to live with my human family. I thought about the last time I left that place - the foolish shallow child that I was. I thought about how consumed I was with my own doubts with Royce King and how I was convinced that seeing Vera would save me and give me some direction about which path to take.

I don’t know what I was waiting for, exactly. Maybe I was waiting for my mother to open the door and run out once she saw me. She would think she was seeing things. Or would she cry and ask for the details on where I have been for the last 15 years? Would she hug me and welcome me back?


I was caught up in my own thoughts again when the door opened. I watched in shock and cursed myself for my own stupidity, for putting my old family in danger. For putting my new, immortal family in danger, too.

To my relief, it was not my mother who opened the door - or anyone I knew. It was a tall woman with black hair and tan skin. She crossed the street and walked up to me cautiously.

“Excuse me ma’am, is there anything I can do to help you?” Her expression was a mix of confusion and concern. I shook my head quickly but was unable to say anything.

“Could you please stop gawking? You are distressing mistress Eve,” the tall dark lady said, her eyebrows now pulled down in annoyance.

I nodded, surprised that was not my mother’s name. The lady began to walk away when I was finally able to speak. I asked her what happened to the people who owned the house before her mistress. The lady shot a sharp glance back towards me and asked quietly if I knew the people who lived there previously. I answered her with a lie, claiming to be a distant relative. The lady then went on to tell me the tragic story:


“I am sorry about your wasted trip ma’am, but the Hales haven’t lived here for ten years. The Hales went through a terrible time I am afraid to say. It started with the murder of their daughter, Rosalie Hale. The rumors say she was a beautiful woman - her beauty was heavenly. She was engaged to a noble gentleman named Royce King. One evening she was just gone, vanished. No one ever saw the poor beauty again. Of course lots of people believe another family had something to do with her death. I believe their names were the Cullens. They disappeared on the same night as poor Rosalie.

Not long after Royce King - Rosalie’s fiance was brutally murdered. Such a shame. Stories were told of how a kind and noble man he was. The Hales’ struggle continued as the mistress of the house passed away about twelve years ago, she went into a deep depression after losing her daughter. She lost the will to live without her child. The man of the house was fired from his job and lost the house. I heard that Mr. Hale died a week ago and is being buried today… this afternoon, in fact.


I stood there expressionless. I was unable to take it all in. The lady told me more than I was able to handle at once. So much suffering has happened to my family and it was all my fault. I went from pride to shame. I had no idea how much my parents needed me….depended on me, loved me. I was the glue that was holding them together, but when I vanished, the glue weakened and it all fell apart. They suffered so much.

I quickly thanked the lady for all that he told me and left eagerly, trying hard to move at a normal human pace. I did not go back to the hotel. I headed straight toward the cemetery. I waited at the back, doing my best to remain out of sight.

I watched my father get buried from a distance - there were few mourners and to my surprise I saw that my brothers had grown to become respectable men, each with a wife and children by their sides. One of my brothers had a beautiful little blond daughter. She was crying and my brother bent down and whispered “It’s okay now, little Rosalie. Don’t cry. Grandfather will always be with you, right here.” He pointed to little Rosalie’s heart. If vampires could cry, tears would have been gushing from my eyes.

My brother named his child after me. I was so touched by that. More than anything, I wanted to run and tell them that I wasn’t dead - but I couldn’t do that. I could not risk the safety of my new family. Not after all the love and support they have given me. Besides, we have laws.


Once again, I was caught up in my own thoughts when a stranger approached me, tapping me once gently on my shoulder. The boy looked to be about 17 years old.

“Excuse me ma’am, can I help you with something?” He asked kindly. I shook my head no, then he introduced himself to me. “My name is Henry,” he said, putting out his hand to shake mine. I felt my jaw drop almost involuntarily for a moment when I realized he was Vera’s Henry. I didn’t reach out to shake his hand back, knowing he would wonder why I am so cold, so solid.


Henry still had his dimples. He grew to be a charming handsome man.We spoke briefly and I learned that he was going to medical school - he wanted to become a doctor and cure the influenza to which Vera and her husband passed away from at an early age.

Henry excused himself after we ran out of words and went to join the others in mourning for my father. I froze and let out a low hiss when Henry walked back to the small crowd, stood next to my brother and pointed in my direction. My brother saw me. “Rosalie,” he mouthed.

I found myself at a crossroads. I had two options. Expose myself and be with my human family, or leave my family forever and protect my new & old family from the consequences that come with exposing our kind.

I did the right thing and began to walk away. My brother ran towards me and I picked up my pace then ran out at full speed around the corner and through the forest. He could never catch up to me. I was a vampire, an exceptionally strong, fast immortal. He would think he saw my ghost and eventually get over it. He would have no choice.


I stopped once I got out of my brothers sight and I heard him call my name again in a breathless whisper. I closed my eyes tight and felt so much pain. It was so hard. I missed my family so much that it hurt my lifeless heart.


I waited until nightfall then I went to visit my parents graves. I spoke to them and told them everything, not that they could hear me. I stood there over their graves, numb, and wondered what death was like. I wondered if their consciousness existed in some sort of higher plain, if there really was a heaven. It became clear to me for the first time that I would never again meet my parents, my family. Their path and mine are different - we aren’t going to meet up once day like normal families who live, then die. I wondered if they were searching for me up there, in heaven. I wondered if they were hurt to find that I wasn’t there…


I realized I failed everyone in my life and the fate of my parents was all on me. I am to blame. If only I stayed home that night. If only I did not question my feelings for Royce. I was such a fool. I wanted everything and because of that my family ended up with nothing. But there is hope, I realized.

I had a chance to make things right. I had one gift to give to my brothers and their family - even to Henry. That was the gift of death. I can give them all the gift of death. Maybe, just maybe in death they will all be together. If they were turned in to what I am, my parents would be alone forever, and my brothers and their family would never reunite with them. This is my gift to my brothers their children and their children’s children I hope they would appreciate it. By staying away, I would never have to risk them being forced to become what I am.


I stood at my parents grave a little longer, just gazing at their tombstones. I folded my arms to try and comfort myself. I wanted to find some way of releasing my pain and agony. Humans can cry… but how could I, a vampire, release pain?

I thought about it for a minute and finally found a way to release the pain, the anger. I looked ahead a little and thanks to my heightened vampire vision I saw the tombstone of Royce King. I stormed off to his grave and I lost it. I could not stop myself. I Punched the tombstone as hard as I could and watched it crumble into small rocks.

I did something I never did before - I swore… not just once, but many times. I punched the grave over and over growling and hissing. I was caught off guard when I felt something big and powerful restrain me from behind and lift me up. I looked back and saw it was my Emmett. He comforted me and put me down, shushing me gently.

I turned to face Emmett and looked in to his beautiful golden eyes. I said nothing and he hugged me hard, pressing our bodies together. We stood still like two statues. I was speechless the entire time while we walked back to the hotel.

Once inside Emmett continued to comfort me. Naturally I asked him how he knew where I was and he told me something corny along the lines of him following his heart. I was only half listening, still distraught. I smiled a little, a forced smile, then told him everything. I waited for him to yell, but he didn’t. He just hugged me and told me it was alright. He did suggest that we leave New York - that it was for the best, and I agreed.

Emmett and I are packing now. He just went downstairs to pay for the room. I just don’t know how I will face my family. I have put them all in grave danger. Will they ever forgive me? Did Alice already see all this and tell them? I have to go now, Emmett is on his way back.

~Rosalie Cullen