The Importance of Esme (Entry 23)

Date: March 23rd, 1951

Dearest Diary
We have returned to our home, much to my horror. Emmet has tried to reassure me that all will be well, but I refuse to leave here and visit with Carlisle and Esme and the rest of my family. I am sure that Alice’s visions have shown her what I did on my honeymoon, how I broke all the rules. I can imagine Jasper’s and Edward’s reactions, quiet and judgemental. I feel so terrible, that I’ve let the family down. I even tried to get Emmet to run away with me and go start a new life far away, but he just said “no, all will be well, no-one is going to judge you or punish you more than you are already doing to yourself. Also it would hurt Esme very much if we did that.” I sighed, wishing that he was right.

We sat in the living room in our home noticing how all the damage we had created here had been fixed up good as new again. Emmet was continually nudging and encouraging me to go and visit with the family, but I was so thoroughly embarrassed and ashamed of myself I didn’t think I’d ever be ready to face them again. Emmet asked if I would be okay here on my own that he wanted to go and see the family and I told him to go.

I stayed on my own for most of the day and evening and sat out on the roof to look at the stars again, watching as they dazzled in the sky. I noticed a sweet and familiar scent, Esme coming towards me. She joined me on the roof and asked me how I was. I lied and said “fine.”

I thanked her for fixing up our house again and then we both fell into a eerie silence. Both of us waiting for the other to speak. I finally got so nervous I asked what was taking Emmet so long.

“He’s gone hunting with the others,” she said. “I asked him to go with the others without me, so I could come and talk to you on my own.” I was sad that Esme knew the truth and was deeply ashamed, too. I got a surprise when Esme put her arm around my shoulders and pulled me in for a strong hug.

“I suppose Alice had a vision about what I did and told you all about it,” I said shamefully.

“No, it was Emmet, he’s so worried about you, he thought you could use a Mother to talk to so here I am ,” Esme said soothingly.

“Oh,” I said, embarrassed that Emmet would think that, it should be me mothering him after all I am two years older than him.

I told Esme everything I was hiding and holding back, the whole story, from start to finish and then I cringed in front of her waiting for her judgement. But again, to my surprise, Esme apologized to me. She said she had no idea how much I was suffering. She hugged me tighter to her and I relaxed for the first time in what seemed like ages then rested my head on her shoulder.

I looked back at my human memories, which were the strongest ones. Unlike the rest of my family, I refused to let them go. I held onto my anger towards Royce and his friends. I remembered my first impression of my vampire family, my original memory of Esme and how childish my reactions were to her. She will always be ten times the woman I will ever be.

“If I had to redo my life over I would have dumped Royce and found someone better to marry and been there for my mother to save her from dying from a broken heart - and my father too,” I finally admitted.

I told Esme how bad I felt, how conflicted I felt, how I loved Emmet more than I have ever loved anything in my life including myself but still I would trade him with all my heart for one more chance at being human again. I realized how selfish this made me look, but it is the way I feel.

“It is understandable to feel that way but life doesn’t always work the way you want it to,” she said, quietly.

I stayed close to Esme. She was sweet and comforting and always knew the right things to say. I wanted to be like her in so many ways and I took the plunge and told her so.

“You don’t have to change at all, you already changed so much when you became a vampire,” Esme responded, her golden eyes piercing through mine. I didn’t understand what she meant and looked at her puzzled, so she continued, noticing my confusion.

“I know what you thought of me when you first became one of us. Edward told me everything, but don’t worry I don’t hold it against you,” she half smiled lovingly, and I frowned.

“When you were human, you were a selfish and shallow princess who only cared about yourself and no-one else. Then you became a vampire and committed very violent acts against Royce and his friends and while it was wrong, I do understand why you did it. But then you found Emmet and had him changed and it was his love that influenced you to become the lovely person you are now,” she paused and looked down, gathering her thoughts. I opened my mouth to speak, but not words came out - so she continued.

“You have matured with Emmet and blossomed into a beautiful woman on the outside as well as the inside, too. I don’t care about your past only your present and future. I consider you to be my daughter now and we are bonded, not by blood, but by venom,” Esme finished.

I stared at her in awe. I never realised just how important Esme was to this family. She was the glue that kept them all together and she loved me as if I, too, were her real daughter. I felt blessed to have a place in the family, to be part of her life.

I hugged Esme tightly to me and she stroked my hair. “Thank you,” I breathed at her, smiling.

“Come,” she said. “The others will want to see you once they return from their hunting. Alice will not tell her vision to anyone -I have already asked her not to,” Esme promised. I breathed a sigh of relief. I knew that Emmet wouldn’t speak about it, either.

I need to go now. I’m to go be with my family.

Rosalie Cullen