Alices's Diary (8)

June 30th, 1919

My brother. I want to curse him but cannot find the heart to do so. Even though he has done something terrible to me, I cannot hate him.
The last time I wrote, I had left and gotten into a carriage with my brother. It was dark out and I couldn’t tell where we were going, though I was sure I had never been there before. We were traveling for a long while, when the carriage finally stopped.

My brother opened the door and pulled me out. There was a sign over the entrance to the dark building. All I could see was MISSISSIPPI the rest was blocked by a tree. I heard people screaming from inside, though. Then I was scared. My brother didn’t slow down, he just pulled me forward. When we were inside the building I saw a sign that read MISSISSIPPI PSYCHIATRIC CENTER and then I was handed over to another man.

I think my brain went into shock because it took me a long time to realize what was happening. The man stripped off my robe and nightgown and forced me to put on this horribly uncomfortable nightgown. It is the ugliest gown ever imagined! It goes slightly past my knees in length and is an ugly white color! The size doesn’t exactly fit because it is for a standard sized person. While I was striped, they found this book and took it from me. I didn’t have time to say anything before they were turning the key into a lock on an iron gate. I sat on the bed. No light in the little room. The shadows of the iron bars looming over my face.

An Asylum! I am in an Asylum! Was all I could think. Over and over and over again.
My brother came to the gate and leaned close, “’I cannot let you do this to Mother and Father any longer.’” And then he was gone. My brother had admitted me into this asylum.

There are doctors and patients and nurses and…guards. The worst part of this whole thing is the patients. They wail and scream and shout unspeakable things. And they refuse to take the medicine given! Me? I take it. It isn’t bad. I haven’t had a premonition yet.

I take that back, the worst part about this is the clothes. They are completely, and irrevocably horrid! Bland, white, stiff, uncomfortable, cold gowns. Ugly! The doctors clothing isn’t much better, neither is the nurses. And the guards, I shudder at the thought of them.

Whenever they walk by I shrink into the corner. Their clothing is dark and brutal looking, as are their faces.

My “room” has a small and very uncomfortable bed called a ’cot’. And the floors are bare and cold. There is absolutely no light here. My eyes have grown mostly used to it. But I can still barely see and I remember little of anything else.

Alice